At first, I wasn’t sure I would be able to hold you. I told the doctor to not pass you to me right away until we assessed what I could handle. But the second I saw your beautiful face and fluffy legs, I grabbed you, held you and kissed you as many times as I could. You weren’t scary – the aftermath of living without you is what scared the shit out of me. How could I possibly do this? I didn’t know if I was strong enough. Where would I find the tools and resources, I needed to navigate this life without you? I didn’t want anything of this, I just wanted you. I still do.
5 years later, on your 5th birthday, I sat and reflected on our journey. It’s nothing that I wanted it to be, but I am so very proud of us. See, the way I have survived the unthinkable was to continue a relationship with my beautiful daughter spiritually. To me, her physical body died that day, but she didn’t die. In fact, she has become more and more impactful in my life every single day since. I didn’t know that was a way to grieve. I didn’t know that we would create this everlasting spiritual bond that is completely unshakable and is the very thing that has set me free from so many chains in my life.
I have only had one spiritual bond like that before and that was with God. But I become so confused by God’s role in my life when she died that I stopped praying to God. In fact, I stopped speaking to God all together. Picture the 13-yea- old girl with hands on her hips – I cut him off.
Instead of praying and talking to God everyday like I used to, I started praying and talking to Harper. I KNEW I could trust her. She’s my daughter after all; I knew she would guide me and protect all of us. I knew she would never let me down. I asked her to send me signs, and OMG, she has sent us so many very clear signs that I could write an entire book about that, and I just might!
It took me 4 years to “make-up” with God. It was just this past year did I start allowing him back into my thoughts. It’s a slow process just as it would be with anyone who you believed broke your trust. Do you know what shows me how strong my relationship with God is? How long it took me to forgive him! If you don’t care about something, you don’t stay mad at it. It showed me how deep my faith actually is. My anger, confusion and distrust in God was also the catalyst for my incredible spiritual relationship with Harper. I can see clearly now that I may have cut him off, but he didn’t cut me off. He knew exactly what I needed.
So, there you have it. The reason I am living fully, and thriving again is not because I have made peace with the fact that my daughter died. I have ZERO peace with that. Nada. It’s because she didn’t completely die that day to me. That was just the beginning of our journey together.