This is our story… Jason and I were on the five-year plan… Get married, enjoy married life for 5 years and start our family. We got pregnant, the second month of trying just a few months before our 5th wedding anniversary. We were so happy! 6 weeks later, our first loss…. Life would never be the same for us after that. I got obsessed with getting pregnant…. We had a plan, after all! That caused turmoil in our marriage. We gave up trying. We both turned to anyone but each other. I threw myself into my education and career. That was all that I was… a nurse. I was married to my work… angry at myself… angry at my husband…angry with God…. SO, that is where our story begins, I suppose… Jason and I eventually found each other again through prayer, counseling, and self-reflection… We decided to start that family that we both so desperately wanted… again. A YEAR….. Doesn’t seem that long, does it? IT IS FOREVER!!!! Finally!! A missed period!! Thank God! --- Not Pregnant… WHAT?! HOW?! My OB/GYN did some routine tests which included some medications and bloodwork… I got a phone call that if I wanted children, I needed to see a specialist and quickly. We met with our reproductive endocrinologist and after MORE testing and one horrific procedure (HSG) We found out that I have the egg supply and quality of an old woman…. How wonderful?!?! THIS definitely wasn’t in the plan…. I’d been helping take care of babies my whole life…I adored my niece and nephew… I was fun…I was born for this. I was ready to be a mom. This was not part of the plan! IVF is not covered by most medical insurances, if you were wondering. Jason and I had some hard decisions to make… but I was desperate. I felt like if we didn’t try, at least one cycle, I’d always have to live with the “What if”. So, we made it happen…fast forward through hormones, 100oz/day of “electrolyte rich fluids” …soo many injections… so many needles… So many feelings of inadequacy… did I mention 100oz PER DAY of fluid, while already feeling bloated? SO much fun…but that’s for another day… On the day of egg retrieval, we were optimistic… We got four eggs…. FOUR…. they were able to fertilize only two of them…and only one made it to the blastocyst stage… cautiously optimistic. It was only one… but it was more than nothing. Two weeks we had to wait… praying for our baby… genetic testing came back… The embryo was not chromosomally normal and would not result in a viable pregnancy. I WAS CRUSHED. How do I explain a loss that I never felt move in my body? How do I grieve the baby that never even met me… wasn’t conceived IN me, but was still loved and cherished by Jason and I? The next few months were AWFUL. I wanted to get right back on the wagon… “Guns a Blazin’ ” as they say. Jason was not as eager to watch me go through that all again… But I still wasn’t whole. I still didn’t feel like we did EVERTHING possible. Every day that went by, all I could think of was my old eggs, withering away every day…WHAT was I waiting for? I’m not getting any younger here! SO, we decided to try another retrieval… Five eggs retrieved…Three eggs fertilized and all three made it to blastocyst phase!! YAY!! GREAT NEWS!! All three embryos were chromosomally normal! Praise the Lord!! Things were looking up for us!! We had two boys and a girl WE had never been this far in the IVF process and we were so happy at the prospect of getting pregnant again…. Of course, as is with IFV, always more injections, hormones, and mood swings….and sooo much water! Hah! My embryo transfer was Oct. 25th. I was so nervous and excited… But also, so grateful. Not many couples know the exact moment that they become pregnant, but we did… 10 days I had to wait. Wait for the official bloodwork saying that I was pregnant… but I knew that I was. All the signs were there. A positive blood test! Praise the LORD! We were pregnant again! We were so happy! TWO Days before Thanksgiving we were set to have our first ultrasound and were Aruba bound for our much-needed celebratory trip the Friday after Thanksgiving… a new degree, I passed my boards, and we’re pregnant…What wasn’t to celebrate?!?! That’s when it happened…The US tech started asking me a bunch of questions…. like too many questions… My worst fears come true… There was nothing but an empty uterus on the US screen… To say we were devasted would be an understatement. The doctor came in and talked to us, and sent us on our way for bloodwork… my HCG levels were still elevated…and continued climbing the following day… The doctor told me that I had a pregnancy of unknown location meaning that the baby was growing somewhere outside of my uterus… HEARTBREAK!! Not only was I not going to be able to keep this baby, but I had to go the ER to have this baby I prayed for…This blessing I yearned for…” dissolved” … Chemically dissolved. It was one of the worst two weeks of my life. Jason and I had to cancel our vacation and spend most of the following week getting bloodwork and going to appointments. HOW?! How could this happen?!? They put the embryo IN my uterus themselves… HOW?! I know implantation is not an exact science, but I really could not understand how this happened…and even harder was explaining it to everyone around me… BUT Alas… It DID happen and there is nothing we could do about it. Yes, I know that my story is not over yet…I still have two boys on ice…. But dreams of my baby girl are dashed… I struggle with this fact every single day and don’t know how to fully cope with that feeling even as I start my second round of hormones for my next transfer…. The hardest part for me are the feelings of loneliness…even when surrounded by a loving and strong support system… I hope that my loss and my story can help others here feel not so alone and have the courage to speak out about it… if ANYONE here has questions or just wants to talk… Feel free to reach out…. Anita #ChasinRainbows 🧡💛💚💙💜

This is a topic that we don’t talk about enough! My husbands grief looks very different than mine. It definitely looks easier although he would say that it’s not. How do your husbands grieve?

Your perfect little girl who grew up to be a wonderful young lady, always doing the right thing for the right reasons for everyone she knows. She has so much love in her heart and more than willing to give it away. Here comes the fairy tale Prince Charming, marriage, starting a family, trying to grow the family (they stopped at nothing to grow their family). Then bam, they crash head on to the worse brick wall they never saw coming. Their baby was born Still. You can bring them soup when they are sick, scratch their back when they are exhausted, be their legs when they’ve broken theirs, hold them tight when someone has hurt them. But this.....this is something you CANNOT fix or soothe away for them. You are (as they are) totally helpless to make them “better”. My only hope and prayer was that one day my sweet girl would come back to us from her abyss. She had a beautiful son to raise. Mostly, at first all we did was cry and inside ourselves (myself) wonder why this might have happened. I don’t think we even barely talked, we just cried, all day every day. My daughter did not deserve this. There was nothing in her life that this kind of karma should catch up to her. There was no reasoning to this. (Right now as I am writing I am forced to remember that day in order to tell my story, I am crying all they way through this message). They packed up all of the gifts, baby clothes, readied toys, took down the crib, remove the car seat, donate the formula, diapers, etc. These were hard days. As the days turned into weeks and months the waves of emotion were still coming but I could be a better listener, a better hugger but could not fix this for her. It is so heartbreaking to watch your baby die inside after her baby died inside of her. Now it has been many months and years, more children, back to mental health, laughter, fun times, fulfilling life and love again for all. Now, when I remember Harper Grace it is with grace and reverence. I picture her as four years old, I rarely allow myself to go back to the birth. We celebrate her, acknowledge her, send love to her and make room for her in what ever we do. My daughter honors her every day just like she honors her living children. It’s a beautiful thing to behold. But still we cry.