Shortly after I started dating the man who would become my husband he asked me if I wanted to have children. At first I thought what an odd question so early on, but I knew my only answer was yes! Five years later we were married and ready to begin our own family. We tried for almost a year. My best friend went through 2 years of infertility and was our source of information for navigating the world of infertility. We went to one of the best docs in the area. We tried medication and 5 rounds of iui (intrauterine insemination) and got pregnant twice only to miscarry both times. The pain was devastating. It felt unreal at times. What are the chances of miscarrying twice in a row while dealing with infertility?! How?! Why?! Why me? Why us? We forged ahead and decided to pull the trigger on IVF. No insurance coverage so we would only do it once. We took out a loan and began the long road of shots and daily appointments. We had 6 embryos! Only one survived to day 6 and after testing we found out it was not viable. Those next few months were HARD. I told myself I would only do IVF once my body and mind just couldn’t take it but I got a new job and it paid for almost a full IVF cycle. Clearly this was a sign that I had to buck up and do this one more time. It worked! We had 2 viable embryos. Testing revealed that they were mosaic. We implanted both. I was pregnant again! I was pregnant again. I was so cautiously optimistic. No one understands (unless you’ve been there) what it’s like to be pregnant after multiple losses. Week 11 brought spotting and cramping. A trip to the hospital revealed our sweet baby we prayed for so long, saw every week for 6 weeks on the ultrasound monitor was not going to make it. Fetal demise was the word the ED doctor used. Every doctor and nurse we saw were so kind and compassionate. I will never forget but the pain and sadness and shock and anger will never be forgotten. I lost my baby and I lost my heart. This is the first time I am sharing my story so openly. I struggle everyday with thoughts of my unborn child and the life that should have been that will never be. I hope sharing my story will encourage others to reach out and share their own so that we may heal together. Thank you, StillMama.ReplyForward
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My life with loss
My life with loss