I often reflect on what my children have taught me, as they have all taught me different things. Today though, being Harper’s 3rd birthday in Heaven, I can’t help but to think about all her life has taught me.
First and foremost, I now know that our love transcends heaven and earth – it’s something so strong that nothing can break our bond, ever. I continue to love Harper more each day, just as I do my other children. She will forever be my baby, my second child, my everything.
While I have lost my innocence in life, which is very shocking and a process in and of itself, I have gained a perspective so crystal clear that nothing can put me back in the fog. It’s extremely clear to me what’s important and for us, that’s family first, always. I also have no tolerance for any sort of unnecessary drama (insert Corporate America power plays that become day-to-day experiences at the top) or reaching for materialistic goals (nicer car, bigger house, all the things that come along with America’s definition of “success”). By nature, I am very driven. My drive has changed from work that doesn’t fulfill me, to a drive to help others, serve others, anyway I can. I hope I can use that drive in her honor to create something big for others, but for now, the focus is on our growing family and serving however I can.
Harper has taught me that happiness and longing can live together, harmoniously. Holding her in the hospital is the last time I felt completely, complete. I knew that as I said good-bye, that I would never be whole again. I have learned to accept that and stop fighting it. We will be together again some day. In the meantime, I have promised her that I will make life on this planet as full as I can, doing as much good as I can do.
She has taught me that signs from her are real. I could write a whole book on our communication between Heaven + Earth. I don’t look for them, they appear when I need them most. It’s her way of saying, I’m right here mommy, you just can’t see me.
As Mike, my husband, said to me last night before bed, “We have made it through another year.” He took the words right out of my mouth. Our love for Harper is everlasting, we will always love her, cherish her, talk about her, and honor her. She is ours and we are hers. So tonight, on her birthday, Michael will bake her a cake and set out the pictures he has made for her. We will miss her terribly, but we will love each other harder, for knowing loss, is also knowing the meaning of life.