I am Still her Mama

My relationship with Harper didn’t end on the day she was born still.  It became spiritual and over time, we have become very, very connected.  Yes, I yearn for her physical body to be here. Of course I do, I am human.  I still have days 2 ½ years later where I can’t believe she isn’t here.  I wanted to do the small stuff, like change her diaper, give her a bath, rock her to sleep, basically anything that had to do with taking care of her.  I.was.ready.to.be.her.mommy.  I BEGGED God for two years to send me a baby, and he did, and she was perfect.

I believe she chose me to be her mommy.  I can see her now looking down from heaven, “yup, her, the one that seems to have it all together, I want her to be my mommy.  I want that big brother too, he looks like fun. Oh and that Daddy seems like he will definitely be able to handle this. Yup, that’s my family!”

There is nothing easy about parenting a child in heaven.  It can be gut-wrenching, intensely deep, and very complicated but, I have kept myself open to her signs, and I have followed them.  The more I follow them, the more signs I get.  In my early days, I would hear the same song over and over and over (and I was always crying when it came on), and it felt like she was right there, guiding the way. The song lyrics held a lot of meaning and I felt like she was telling me to hold on, it won’t always be THIS bad. And she was right, the pain lessened (with therapy and time), and slowly I began to smile when I thought of her.  That’s really the ultimate goal – to be able to think of your baby without crying, and if you can smile, then you get a gold star!

So while she isn’t here physically, she is very present spiritually as I continue to straddle both heaven and earth as a mama of 3. I encourage you to remain open for signs in your life and see what happens,

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