I don’t know about for you, but for me, when I am pregnant, it feels like an alien has taken over my metabolism. I was starving 24/7 with all three of my babies. If I didn’t keep myself satiated, I would get sick as a dog. Let’s just say I was never one of those women that didn’t experience pregnancy symptoms. I experienced THEM ALL! Insomnia was definitely the hardest part, but couple that with increased metabolism and you have what most of us experience after the baby arrives – “baby weight.”
What was so hard about my baby weight after losing Harper was that I felt like the weight was all I had to show for her life. It proved she was here, she was a healthy baby girl, and I was left not looking like myself. I was left looking like I just had a baby but there was no baby to show for it. It made me incredibly sad and angry to look at myself in the mirror because it was obvious I had done everything right. I had given her what she needed to grow and flourish, and I still lost her. Now, when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize myself, so it felt like I lost myself too. We were both lost.
I knew getting back to looking and feeling like myself would help my mental state, so I ate really healthy and started to work out, but those relentless tears I spoke about earlier were in full force. The gym became the quiet place where I couldn’t NOT think about my baby. If you have never tried to run while crying, let me assure you, it’s pretty impossible. Then I thought maybe a group class would be better, so I tried barre, kickboxing, and yoga. Nope, that definitely didn’t work. There were pregnant women everywhere, and as much as I wanted to congratulate them on their babies, I knew that there was no guarantee that their baby would arrive safely. I now knew that nothing was guaranteed.
I learned what was best for me wasn’t to run away from my baby weight and try to return to my “old self” because that girl was nowhere to be found. I was becoming a better version of myself and instead of feeling like losing my baby weight would be the key to my happiness, I realized that what was best for my mental health was to take things a day at a time and let that shit go. I had to let old ways of thinking go, I had to let go of the fact that I lost all my baby weight after my son. I had to realize once again, that this was unfair, and I couldn’t compare it to anything I had ever experienced before. I had to define new rules for myself, and they were really simple. Let that shit go and when strength returns, try again.