Harper has been a busy bee as she has blessed us with another pregnancy. A beautiful child to love and cherish for the rest of our lives. While we appreciate the outpouring of love and joy, also know that pregnancy after loss is the hardest thing I have to do besides live without my child.
Gone are the days of blissful planning, shopping, preparing and hoping. I have to take things one day at a time, literally, back to square one to endure the PTSD of pregnancy. There’s nothing more that we want than to welcome a new member of our family in October, and because that desire is so deep, I also have to protect myself from the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies pregnancy after loss.
Carrying another child is a constant, daily reminder of the horror we have endured. I can’t escape, I simply have to get through it. It’s the only way to get what we really want. No one can do it for me, ease my pain, make this less emotional, it’s just me, myself and I. Every flutter, every sickness, every sleepless night reminds me of what we have lost. The fear of losing another child is too much to bare. Even though I know Harper is right here with us spiritually, I want her here physically more than words could ever describe.
The question, “what number is this for you” or “is this your first” is something I got quite accustomed to during my pregnancy with Josie. This time, I confidently say “4” and the response is always, “wow, you have your hands full.” Little do they know how I would do ANYTHING to have my hands full with 4 here on earth.
I know that many may think that because they only see 2 here on earth, that I only really “have” 2 children. What you don’t know is that Harper, just like my others, takes a lot of my mind space. I think of her all day, I pray to her when things are going on in the family, I ask her for guidance and help, and overall, she is a huge part of my daily life. Because my spiritual connection to her is so strong, I have 3 to wrap my head around every single day….and now 4!
So, if my response to your excitement isn’t what you would expect, it’s because I am terrified to lose this baby and living through my fear, trying to trust life again after it has shattered my dreams, and trying keep calm so this baby has a good place to live for the next few months. 125 sleeps to go, but who’s counting?!
To our beautiful new baby, we adore you. Mommy and Daddy know that you are Harper-sent. Your big brother is out of his mind with excitement. He is sure you are a girl, and he only wants a girl. He says he wants Josie to have a best friend. You are a part of a family now that will make you the center of their universe for the rest of your life. You are loved beyond measure. XO