No, it was not the occasional iced tea you would treat yourself to during your pregnancy that caused you to lose your baby. It was not the daily latte, or the lack of caffeine for that matter. This is not your fault, Mama.
Could it have been that glass of wine at the wedding 6 months ago? Could it have been the lack of wine, if you just would have relaxed a little more, would that have saved your baby? This is not your fault, Mama.
If I just would have listened to my gut, my motherly instinct. If I just would have demanded that they take my baby out early because something wasn’t “right.” This is not your fault, Mama.
Maybe I exercised too much. Maybe it was too much for the baby. Maybe I should have exercised more during pregnancy. Maybe that’s what my baby needed. This is not your fault, Mama.
Maybe I shouldn’t have waited a few hours after I realized I didn’t feel the baby? Maybe I should have gone to the hospital right away. This is not your fault, Mama.
Maybe I should have chosen another doctor – maybe they would have seen something my doctor didn’t? Maybe I would have gotten more ultrasounds? This is not your fault, Mama.
If only I hadn’t had deli meat, sushi, runny eggs, all those foods I was told to stay away from. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so strict with my diet. This is not your fault, Mama.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been so stressed out at work, or about money. Maybe I should have stayed home more and listened to my body. This is not your fault, Mama.
Maybe I should have……
Maybe I shouldn’t have…..
What if I just did……..
Stop.
This is not your fault, Mama.
I know you want someone to blame so that our minds can make sense of this terrible tragedy. You may feel like you are left with no one to blame, so you end up searching your mind for what YOU could have done differently. Let me assure you, you can search the rest of your life, but I promise you, this was not your fault.
It’s completely instinctual to want to protect our children from harm. We are hard wired with many, many generations of mothers who have come before us who have one common goal, protection. It’s who we are, and the moment we give birth, protection is our first instinct, which is what makes this so very hard, because we couldn’t protect them.
I have come to believe that Harper chose this path, that she lived her mission. I also believe that she chose me as her mommy, and therefore I have to honor her choices and life. You can believe whatever you would like, but my beliefs are what help me to survive and thrive. Choose a belief that supports you, doesn’t crush you, because this is not your fault. There is nothing better you could have done. You did everything right. Every single thing.