This is a topic that we don’t talk about enough! My husbands grief looks very different than mine. It definitely looks easier although he would say that it’s not. How do your husbands grieve?
What a great topic. It's always hard not to feel like your husband should be as outwardly hurt as you feel on the inside. Just important to remember that we all show our grief differently and should all equally be supported.
Excellent question Doreen.... This matter is probably our biggest source of contention.... Jason doesn't seen affected...I know that isn't true, but I think when we are going through something so dark, it's hard to see past ourselves and our own reaction so I would get mad on top of my grief... He withdraws when he's upset and I want to talk... Its a work in progress. I'm always reminded of something I read that said "A women becomes a mother the moment she becomes pregnant and a man becomes a dad the moment he sees his baby.." I try to keep this theory in mind while we navigate our grief....We are grieving different things in a way. To me, my loss is tangible..to him it may be the loss of an idea or dream.... still losses, but different....Therefore we have to both be sensitive to each others loss....Not always easy to remember...
I loss my son three days before his due date. Went to the dr that morning and later that day water broke and when we got to the hospital we found out he no longer had a heartbeat. Well my boyfriend or ex boyfriend prior to and during pregnancy we talked about marriage but losing our son took us on a different path. I was truly devastated and I know he was hurting really bad but to me he didnt show it didnt want to talk about it..Talk to others but didnt talk to me..I noticed his pain start mainfesting in how he would treat me and others..he isolated his self and work became his priority and exercising. I always said I wanted to talk about our son but he thought we should Not..All of the arguments we had was basically him wanting me to go back to how things where. I really look forward to these answers maybe there is a possibility that we can come back together and get answers to the question I had at the start of our loss
Oh and I decided early on in our loss journey that I would stop comparing my grief to my husbands. That if he honored the way I grieved, then I would honor the way chose To grieve even when it Looked very different.
Thanks for sharing this topic. I have so many thoughts on this. Sometimes, I think my husband doesn't "react" enough or doesn't appear as emotional or upset as me and it bothers me. Other times, I wonder how he is coping with everything because I feel like my friends and family are asking ME and not him how I am doing. He rarely shares his feelings the way that I do, or breaks down the way I do, but I know he's hurting too. My last miscarriage was extremely difficult for many reasons but I remember the look on his face when we found out the terrible news and it cut me deep.
I try to check in with him often - ask him how he's doing and not just dinner chit chat but the sit down and give it to me straight how are you?, are you depressed? do you need therapy? - I make time for him, and try to be strong for him like he is for me. I also try to do little things to let him know I'm here for him - get him a surprise massage, bring home a six pack of his favorite beer, make his favorite meal. Not make light of the pain that we are both experiencing but appreciate the joy in each other and the little things that can make us smile through the pain.
He says he is coping and will share his feelings occasionally, and I still make time to continue to check in on him.
Bottom line - we all need to take care of ourselves and our families - spouses and significant others included!