It's been almost a year since we said goodbye to our baby. It's been a year since we heard the last heartbeat and saw our little one on the ultrasound monitor. A whole year of wondering what my life would be like if we were a family of 5 (2 fur babies included). Right at week 11, I told myself it was ok to breathe, it wasn't. It's been a difficult year. The thing is I've done this before. This being my third miscarriage after many fertility treatments, I mistakenly thought it would be easier because I've been through this before. In many ways, this loss was the most difficult. It magnified everything we've been through the last few years.
I see women on social media bravely sharing their stories of loss. (I posted my own experience with loss on social media and still remember holding my breath after I hit publish and feeling so vulnerable.) I have a few friends and family members who have experienced the pain of loss. I see these women get up every day and live their lives, take care of their children, support their families all while grieving. It's been a difficult year. to be honest, it's been a difficult few years but these women give me strength. Through them I realize it's one foot in front of the other. Some days are good, some days not so good. One thing I know for sure - This is a year I could not have gone through without the support of so many. Friends and family have been my rock and the StillMama community for providing me with a safe and private place to share my thoughts and know that they are being heard with good intentions and by people who unfortunately understand grief and have come face to face with loss.
I don't know what the future holds, but I'm hopeful next year will be a different type of year - one filled with happy tears instead of sad ones. Until then, one foot in front of the other. I'm not giving up on my dream of holding my child in my arms.